What It Feels Like to be Free

Manifesting isn’t spiritual. It’s a skill that anyone can learn. But that’s not all you need to live a meaningful life.

Doing that is both the hardest and easiest thing to do. It’s easy because you’re already designed to be the person you need to be and to do what you need to do. 

It’s hard because trauma and conditioning makes our essence stuck and unavailable. And because trauma makes us protect ourselves from pain. That makes this potential inside us dense, stuck, and hidden. 

Conditioning gives us all these weird habits and behaviors; things like being stubborn, closed minded, unkind, self loathing, angry, and ultimately unaware of the jewel of who we really are. 

I grew up idolizing successful people, especially wealthy people and famous musicians. That’s who I wanted to be. I thought they knew something I didn’t. Regardless of that, our culture trained me to see it this way. I saw God in the power a person had to make art and to be able to have influence on the culture. Their creations made more sense than what school and my family were showing me. 

To manifest according to the world, I would have had to be more consistent and my identity be more clear to other people. I would have had to stay with that identity, rinsing  and repeating over and over. But I didn’t do that. Not as a performer, a partner, friend, son or whatever. There was always a feeling that I didn’t know how to play the game. I was acutely aware of how much others were disappointed in me. 

This past Saturday, when I was getting ready for the breath,  I was looking for music and I realized that my compositions are just like the breathwork itself, a moving river never repeating itself. Despite the repetitive nature of what I write, if I do a phrase 100 times, I will never do it the same way twice. 

This is me, repeating the same things over and over and always looking for another way to do or see it as a way of either finding or expressing spirit.

This brings me to the second region of self. The one I call the body region.

The animal is the dragon. The dragon has been one of the most important animals for me personally because it’s about choice and direction. 

I always held the belief that choice, and the directions we take because of those choices, translated to picking something and doing it over and over again. I now believe that choice isn’t about what you find, but how you search.

I need that feeling of play that a child has in order to manifest anything worthwhile. Where I had spent a life thinking I had to know where I was going if I was going to be successful, I realize my happiest musical creations don’t go anywhere. 

What I realized is that knowing the infinity of choices and the directions they lead to is something that makes for a happy and meaningful life for me. The dragon, with its head going one way and its tail going another, is infinitely free. 

As a Sagittarius, I want to explore and see God in everything. When I search, I have tremendous stamina for others searching, which is how I spent so many hours talking with people about their life. Searching is both fun and creative and deeply insecure. 

I was never meant to be reliable in the matrix. I was always here to create my own matrix and invite people into it. 

It is the dragon movements that healed many of my long standing health issues. I think this is because all of the movements are inside your torso where you carry your internal organs. Freedom of movement in your upper body without tension will give you a lot of energy and great health. 

When I began learning with my last teacher, Master Wuwen, in Shanghai, I learned many dragon movements. Each one showed all the possibilities of movement and direction. That discovery changed my whole perspective on my body and my manifesting goals.

I knew what it felt like to be free.